We conversed a lot about NFP while we were pregnant this last time. Part of our former difficulty was huge irregularity and variability in my cycles. The other part was a feeling of guilt I placed on myself for not adequately being able to meet my husbands needs. He is not one to vocalize that need, really, but I could ‘feel’ it from him. So, while we were pregnant, I explained my feelings to him, and he’s been great about being content with hugs and kisses. I know that this is necessary and refuse to feel guilty, and abstinence so far hasn’t been too big a deal. If I’m unsure, and I have been a lot, we just don’t.

I think that if we give it long enough, my cycles will eventually become regular again, and it will become easier again. Between #2 and #3 my signs were much clearer than they have been since. So, the struggle is just to abstain until then.

Congratulations on your baby! I know it seems hard now, but someday, those first three children will be your greatest helpers. They will be mowing the lawn, doing the dishes, and most importantly, holding the babies. I find it so satisfying to see my older children caring for their younger siblings, not only because I appreciate the help, but because they do it out of love. Learning to give of yourself is a more pleasant experience when it’s combined with the natural love you feel toward a young sibling.

But right now, you’re feeling more desperate, I know. It’s very labor intensive having three under 4. I often felt kind of alone, because I found it so hard to get out of the house with all of them that I would just stay home. But that was not ideal. What I would suggest is to get out and get together with other families. This is a great time to make friends with similar families, for the parents and for the children. The parents bond because of shared experiences, and the children play together and make friendships that will continue on through the years.

If I had it to do over again, and sometimes I wish I did, I would just try to enjoy it more. Take it for what it is, and then just dig in and live it. Try to take them to the park a lot, read to them a lot, play with them a lot. And hire a babysitter more often, maybe once a week, to get out yourselves and not forget how much you enjoy each other’s company. Try to find an older sibling from a large family. They will be desperate for a little pocket money, as my older ones are.

One thing we did, and wish we did more of now, was to keep a journal of cute things the kids did or said when they were little. Now every once in a while, we read the book together and laugh our heads off. You’ll never regret that, and it helps to keep things in perspective too.

One of my friends from way back always said she discovered that the best way to get through those early years was just to invite other families over. And not to worry about the mess. Being in someone else’s messy house is somehow so comforting. Some of our best times were just hanging out at their house or ours, with the kids running wild, babies nursing, toddlers screaming, while we sat around and talked and ate together. You could say, misery loves company, but really, we had a great time. Usually the visits ended with somebody’s child melting down and the unlucky mother having to drag, literally, the rest of them to the car, but it was worth it.

I feel somewhat unqualified to give advice as to how to detect the onset of fertility after breastfeeding. After my 6x experience, I’ve discovered that I have about a year of infertility after birth. With my first two, my fertility came back sooner, though, because I was working part time and therefore not breastfeeding around the clock like I do now.

The time when fertility signs first start to come back is the most confusing. Basically, there is a kind of ramping up of fertility signs like mucus, and if you’re using temperatures, they can be pretty erratic. Since your wife’s fertility came back pretty early last time, even with lots of nursing, it probably will again. Honestly, I would suggest just plain abstinence until her cycles are regular, and then just back to the NFP rules.

It can be pretty stressful trying to figure out which days are safe, and then wondering if you might be pregnant again. We plan on doing the same, around the time when I see signs of fertility, just abstaining until my cycles are back. But by all means, ask around and see if anyone else has better advice. It’s not easy either way, though.

And remember, this is the way God has given you to grow in holiness. Patience, fortitude, love, and and lots of other virtues are just right there for the taking! The suffering will be great, but the joy will be greater! I’ll pray for you and your wife, and please pray for us too.

April

Now, 8 or so years later, the dynamics of our family have changed so much that I can look back and smile. Because things can change and do change so quickly in a family as the children (gasp!) grow up. Now we have an almost fourteen year old, a twelve year old and a 10 year old to help us with the “little kids”, and that has made all the difference.

Sure, life still gets crazy, but we have a built in babysitter, and I can go to the store, or the doctor, or a violin lesson, without 3 or 4 small children, a really desperate circumstance at times.
And I’m still young enough to enjoy my freedom, too.

The problem is that there is not enough support for young parents. I remember people telling me I could be “done” after my fourth child. I’d done my duty, and I could be free to pursue other more interesting paths. And then we had the next three children. Now I find a freedom in having people dismiss me as a religious nut who doesn’t believe in birth control. I don’t care what they think, I’m too busy raising, and enjoying my kids.

I hope the Torodes will reconsider their ill-thought decision, and understand the big picture. I’ll give them a few more years, maybe 8 or so.